Like anti-gravity! HA!
Don't attribute good things to your dead friends, because when those things go downhill, you look back and say "wait, she did hate me. This is VENGEFUL haunting"
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Sunday, 25 March 2012
super clean
I hope what happens to me last semester doesn't happen again.
I'm like, this close to my future. To actual work life and all that. I'm a little terrified, but I can probably handle it. Worst case scenario is that I can't and I have to do something else. That's fine. It's all fine. I ate a pastry my grandmother made today and cleaned my whole apartment until it looked like out of a magazine. (I'm generally a slob). Then I did some studying, anxiously texted a cute guy.
Hope in the beginning of things. While eating the pastry I thought "Jenn should have lived for this." But yeah, little things? I was on a train and staring at the passing country side, which is one of my life long favourite habits. There are so many strange places a person could run away to. Running away is way, way better than suicide.
I don't mean to dwell, but it does occur to me. Like, I'm pretty happy right now. And I feel guilty for it.
I'm like, this close to my future. To actual work life and all that. I'm a little terrified, but I can probably handle it. Worst case scenario is that I can't and I have to do something else. That's fine. It's all fine. I ate a pastry my grandmother made today and cleaned my whole apartment until it looked like out of a magazine. (I'm generally a slob). Then I did some studying, anxiously texted a cute guy.
Hope in the beginning of things. While eating the pastry I thought "Jenn should have lived for this." But yeah, little things? I was on a train and staring at the passing country side, which is one of my life long favourite habits. There are so many strange places a person could run away to. Running away is way, way better than suicide.
I don't mean to dwell, but it does occur to me. Like, I'm pretty happy right now. And I feel guilty for it.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
magic
Things are magical right now & I've been dirnking but it's cool because I need to say it: THINGS ARE SO COOL & PERFECT. Even if it falls apart tomororw, RIGHT NOW it's PERFECT. Like fairy tale shit
What's really weird and makes me cry is that i feel JENN I feel her. I feel like this is her. It's coincidence etc, the unviesrse, but this is her. It is. I jsut know like you know anythign I know.
i love you Jenn I mean everything I say. Today's hour in grief counselling went by super fast because i was talking about our memories and explaiing exactly what was so insanely perfect about you. Did you hear? Do you hear me now? Are you watching? Girl I miss you and you were so magically unreal. Now that you're gone its' hard to imagine...I just want to talk to you again and this perfect thing that's happened? I see you in it, I do...Oh jenny.
What's really weird and makes me cry is that i feel JENN I feel her. I feel like this is her. It's coincidence etc, the unviesrse, but this is her. It is. I jsut know like you know anythign I know.
i love you Jenn I mean everything I say. Today's hour in grief counselling went by super fast because i was talking about our memories and explaiing exactly what was so insanely perfect about you. Did you hear? Do you hear me now? Are you watching? Girl I miss you and you were so magically unreal. Now that you're gone its' hard to imagine...I just want to talk to you again and this perfect thing that's happened? I see you in it, I do...Oh jenny.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
inanity & the weather
Boredom is a sin, so it's good I have such an excessively dimensioned imagination. Give me one conversation and I can create a whole world in those little sprinkles of space between our faces. It will carry on with my funny little mind, and I'll get through my day all the same.
I'll do my work. I'll think about your smile and pick out names for our children and how I'll get along with your mother someday. I'll almost, but not quite, write your name with a heart around it in advocacy class. Right after I kind of killed it for cross-examining. I'm only good at things because of this funny delusive habit, isn't that weird?
(Then I'll see him again and make some awkward small talk and then go straight to a bathroom stall to laugh at myself. And laugh some more).
Maybe it's because of the spring that brings these giddy hormone games swimming through my thoughts. Oh, life. Yesterday in yoga I was praying to Jenn, but then apologizing to her as well. She's not my ghost.
I'll do my work. I'll think about your smile and pick out names for our children and how I'll get along with your mother someday. I'll almost, but not quite, write your name with a heart around it in advocacy class. Right after I kind of killed it for cross-examining. I'm only good at things because of this funny delusive habit, isn't that weird?
(Then I'll see him again and make some awkward small talk and then go straight to a bathroom stall to laugh at myself. And laugh some more).
Maybe it's because of the spring that brings these giddy hormone games swimming through my thoughts. Oh, life. Yesterday in yoga I was praying to Jenn, but then apologizing to her as well. She's not my ghost.
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Sarcasm
Student: "AND THEN I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO"
T.A. (me): "Sometimes you just have to study more"
Student: "Last Saturday I woke up at 6:30, started reading, and didn't stop until 3:30 the next morning"
T.A. (me): "Joys of law school."
Student: "...You're not getting paid for this, are you?"
T.A. (me): "The heart warming tide of helping you is all the pay I need."
Student: "..."
T.A. (me): "Sometimes you just have to study more"
Student: "Last Saturday I woke up at 6:30, started reading, and didn't stop until 3:30 the next morning"
T.A. (me): "Joys of law school."
Student: "...You're not getting paid for this, are you?"
T.A. (me): "The heart warming tide of helping you is all the pay I need."
Student: "..."
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Sterile perils
Ever have some huge success and then contemplate jumping off a bridge? I have.
Saner friends have accused me of having many nutso friends. In the aftermath of this shit, I have to admit that's true. But then, I have a wobbly side myself. I think if I'm honest, a tiny part of me realizes that Jenn's suicide deprived me of my own. The ideation will never be the same, now that I'm on the other side. My equation will never have much more certainty.
But for me it stays in my head, like everything, so that's cool. Or not everything, but the hilarious amounts of self-destruction I've pinata'd over my otherwise safe white girl life? The outcome never changed. I'm still in goddamn law school. I'm a little older than I should be, but still here. That bridge idea was real. Happened when I got my ranking for class, which literally blew my mind. I stood up from the email at work, walked outside for an early lunch, walked for an hour straight. Grabbed a chain link fence in the shady corner of a park and cried my makeup off.
I tried to be a secretary. And way more than that, I took my life places I thought no middle class girl could come back from. Not suicide because at the end of the day, I'm not Jenn. There's water I can't cross, and I should be grateful. But success, expectation, it eats me up slowly and horribly. Take me at my word that I have seriously rebelled. I have done some deviant shit. I have had some times. But I'm show pony of the day, all the same.
Those eyes that look at me and think I'm smart. It's like a horror movie, me behind the fourth wall, watching myself. I thought I could take away the suspense, take myself down with a controlled burn. Instead I have to keep opening every door in this fucking haunted house. Who wants to be Sydney?
In other words, success is scary, my talent is so flimsy and uncomfortable, and I hate having to disappoint everyone (myself!! what if I believe the bullshit, hard as I grind it out to try and keep it up?!). But there's so much to need, need, need. A terrifying game that I have to play!! Like Jumanji!!
Saner friends have accused me of having many nutso friends. In the aftermath of this shit, I have to admit that's true. But then, I have a wobbly side myself. I think if I'm honest, a tiny part of me realizes that Jenn's suicide deprived me of my own. The ideation will never be the same, now that I'm on the other side. My equation will never have much more certainty.
But for me it stays in my head, like everything, so that's cool. Or not everything, but the hilarious amounts of self-destruction I've pinata'd over my otherwise safe white girl life? The outcome never changed. I'm still in goddamn law school. I'm a little older than I should be, but still here. That bridge idea was real. Happened when I got my ranking for class, which literally blew my mind. I stood up from the email at work, walked outside for an early lunch, walked for an hour straight. Grabbed a chain link fence in the shady corner of a park and cried my makeup off.
I tried to be a secretary. And way more than that, I took my life places I thought no middle class girl could come back from. Not suicide because at the end of the day, I'm not Jenn. There's water I can't cross, and I should be grateful. But success, expectation, it eats me up slowly and horribly. Take me at my word that I have seriously rebelled. I have done some deviant shit. I have had some times. But I'm show pony of the day, all the same.
Those eyes that look at me and think I'm smart. It's like a horror movie, me behind the fourth wall, watching myself. I thought I could take away the suspense, take myself down with a controlled burn. Instead I have to keep opening every door in this fucking haunted house. Who wants to be Sydney?
In other words, success is scary, my talent is so flimsy and uncomfortable, and I hate having to disappoint everyone (myself!! what if I believe the bullshit, hard as I grind it out to try and keep it up?!). But there's so much to need, need, need. A terrifying game that I have to play!! Like Jumanji!!
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
moral suasion
"Moral suasion" is the sexiest judge phrase I've ever read. I just like how it sounds.
I saw a counsellor at school about the suicide thing. I kind of can't stand people feeling sad for me, or comfort from strangers, so that wasn't the best. But she was super nice and then I just wanted her to feel like she was helping me, because that's what I do. I'm not sure I did it right...I just plowed through the session talking about everything to do with Jenn I could think of...So maybe she's right, I'd benefit from structured grief counselling? I shall continue with her and try. Free with tuition, these services.
I'm still having out of nowhere crying fits, between vast pushes of productivity efforts. Eleven tomatoes today. (That's 5.5 hours of straight, hyper-focused, single tasking work, which is wrestled from my time not otherwise in class, eating, fighting a losing battle against my house ants, etc).
I like lifehacker for the pomodoro method and more. Maybe I will win back some credit, in terms of my own life expectations. I was such a promising specimen, back in the day. Before I decided invisible skin itching and falling in love withe people who live a zillion miles away (either literally, as in right now, or literally by my standards of distance anyway...an ocean apart is a zillion...or else, figuratively, by barriers of construction, that they're paper dolls who happen to exist).
What I was trying to explain to the counsellor was that, of everybody, Jenn could sort me out. Now I'm so adrift, with no one clever and minx enough to see my bullshit (she could), or seeing it, kind enough to point it out (she would, sometimes). Oh Jenny. This is too hard.
I saw a counsellor at school about the suicide thing. I kind of can't stand people feeling sad for me, or comfort from strangers, so that wasn't the best. But she was super nice and then I just wanted her to feel like she was helping me, because that's what I do. I'm not sure I did it right...I just plowed through the session talking about everything to do with Jenn I could think of...So maybe she's right, I'd benefit from structured grief counselling? I shall continue with her and try. Free with tuition, these services.
I'm still having out of nowhere crying fits, between vast pushes of productivity efforts. Eleven tomatoes today. (That's 5.5 hours of straight, hyper-focused, single tasking work, which is wrestled from my time not otherwise in class, eating, fighting a losing battle against my house ants, etc).
I like lifehacker for the pomodoro method and more. Maybe I will win back some credit, in terms of my own life expectations. I was such a promising specimen, back in the day. Before I decided invisible skin itching and falling in love withe people who live a zillion miles away (either literally, as in right now, or literally by my standards of distance anyway...an ocean apart is a zillion...or else, figuratively, by barriers of construction, that they're paper dolls who happen to exist).
What I was trying to explain to the counsellor was that, of everybody, Jenn could sort me out. Now I'm so adrift, with no one clever and minx enough to see my bullshit (she could), or seeing it, kind enough to point it out (she would, sometimes). Oh Jenny. This is too hard.
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