Bonus Day

I really wasted my extra day. I said happy birthday in my head to that girl Julie I used to work with. I did what I had to do, but bare minimum. We had a panel of practitioners chat about lawyer life today, and one abruptly told a story about a client who committed suicide. And then he started to cry a bit. Then I cried a bit.

Trauma is so weird, like instantly I get really affected by deaths on television too. Or when fictional characters start to act all sad, even in books, I can't take it. My friend wasn't in class the other day and I got really worried. I keep telling all my friends "you're not allowed to die, so wear some seatbelts, please". I'm not joking, they're not allowed to die right now. Nope.

I spoke with my mom and said I was so sad, I thought of just wanting to die too (like, once it's in your head, it's a sickly seductive idea), and then I said "of course I can never do that because of I couldn't do that to you." Then she told me "oh if you did that I'd probably just follow you there." Then what about my brother, my dad, etc. What about all the other fucking people!! I was thinking today, she must have known we'd all be devastated. That must be part of the calculation, but that what? We'd just get over it? That is was still the best option, all things considered? Fuck that shit.

I need to spend more time with horses again, or something. I accosted my neighbour's dog and started petting him insanely just now, the snow smacking all around us and my neighbour's irritation just like nothing. I wonder if it's like that when you have babies? I suppose people don't ask to pet your baby, but when they talk to it and stuff. Oh, I do that. Baby rabies. They should spay and neuter people too, maybe someday that will be cool. I bet we'd all be a little more relaxed. My cat was so chill without her uterus.