I know I'm in a spot where safety-nets kind of abound. I'm very lucky, limited only by the social inanity of my lovely family. We're a successful but bizarre little group of people, and that's fine if you get things done anyway.
The hardest thing is not getting tied up by invisible string. My grandmother was so good at that, she never left the house alone. Almost never at all. Lots and lots of string outside that door, if you look for it. Also, people can secretly start binding your ankles to the chair in the comfort of your own home. That's why parrots make good pets-- you can't keep (audible) secrets with chatty copy-cat birds around.
Enough about my crazy grandma, who I really miss. Someone ("The Nerdist" by Chris Hardwick, actually...it's not 'people' who give me advice in life, generally) said it was a good idea to theme your year. Especially if you're neurotic or anxiety-riddled, like me. My theme this year was to take risks and be brave.
Suddenly I realized today that this is really working out. Success comes in the tiniest little movements, you often don't notice. Like weight gain, even when your jeans get tight. I was cozy in a silly delusion and I snapped the cord. It hurt at first, as it always does, but getting off the poison is suddenly so good. I realized today I'm much saner already.
I also won what was essentially a public speaking competition (a 'moot court' thing at school), and since I consider myself the Bridget Jones of podium-talk, that was...kind of amazing. I literally have to take a moment to consciously not faint every time I get up there to talk. And then we won. Me and this girl I barely know. We were pinching each other.
And I barely even managed to show up to that voluntary torture fest, but decided to be brave. Which I will have to amp up to a zillion for the finals in the big city. Bravery. It's actually kind of great. And I want to live well, to live like it matters, twice as hard, for Jenn. That sounds weird but it's true.
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